Shitbird

So this year at work they gave every staff member who has been working there for more than 6 months a free turkey.
My name was on the list, so I got a free turkey!
When I went to pick it up the meat guy said to me: "If I were you I'd take the biggest one."
So I did that and carried home a 3.06kg frozen turkey.

According to the instructions I was supposed to let it thaw in the fridge for 10 hours per kg. About 30 hours, right - I wanted to cook it on saturday at 2 PM, so I transferred the bird from the freezer to the fridge thursday evening at about 6 PM. For a bit of extra time, you know.

Then comes saturday 2 PM and I want to put the fucker into the oven. What did I find? First, the shitbird was still frozen stiff, and second it was to big for my pan.
Well, back in the fridge with you, and thinking about the size I postponed to later.

Attempt #2: On sunday at 2 PM there was still ice on the bird, but only in the middle and not as much. I removed the bag of organs and the neck from the turkey and filled it with stuffing. The oven was already preheating at 375. I squeezed the bird into the pan and covered it with tin foil.
And into the oven it went.

Let me say at this point that this was the 4th turkey I have cooked in my life. The first one for last year's thanksgiving turned out awesomely, juicy and delicious; the second one for last year's Christmas turned out a bit dry, but otherwise great; the third one, last thanksgiving, had to be put in again because it wasn't fully cooked, but adding another hour of cooking time took care of that.
From all this experience I was quite confident that turkey number 4 would turn out pretty well.

At 4, 5 and 6 PM I bastered my turkey, which looked amazing and smelled even better. One leg was sticking out from under the tin foil.
I prepared my vegetables and mashed potatoes and everything, before at 7 PM (after 5 hours of oven time for Mr. Turkey) I took the bird out and started to cut it.

I started with a few slices of meat from the breast. About two slices down I found the meat was still pink. FUCKER! Ah, well, I calmed myself, we'll just have the legs now (the table was all set, after all), and cook it a bit longer.
When I went to cut off a leg I found that the meat down below was still raw. SHITBIRD! ASSHOLE! MOTHERFUCKER!

We decided to have leftover garlic chicken from yesterday instead.

I rammed the fucking shithead assfucker fuckbird back into the oven, where it remained until 10 PM. At regular intervals I would open the oven door, peek in and say: "You fucker are staying in there, shitbird, and you will cook until you're fucking done."

It was nice and brown at 10 PM.
We will eat it tonight.