Box Office

Oh, the new Twilight movie is out. I guess I have to go and see it, because I secretly enjoy romantic movies aimed at teenagers. Except if they feature sparkly vampires. No, seriously, I watched part one and found it entertaining enough, but then I watched part two. That's the one where they introduce werewolves. If vampires weren't enough, or should I say, if vampires that have been stripped of all the downsides of being a vampire weren't enough, no, now we get werewolves, and they, too, don't need to worry about shit because they can change to and fro werewolf at will, no moon fear, no lust for human flesh, very convenient. Well, I guess I can accept even that, because what really ruined part two for me was the storyline, which goes like this:
Edward is like: Oh Bella, there's this evil leftover-from-part-one vampire woman who wants to kill you. You know what, I'm gonna leave you, so you're not in danger. I'm gonna go to Italy (!), but I will pop up in your imagination every now and then, especially if you act recklessly. So he does that, Bella starts something with this werewolf guy to tide herself over, and then later they steal a bit from Romeo and Juliet when Edward thinks Bella is dead and he wants to kill himself in sunny Italy, but Bella shows up and saves him, movie over.
I can't even even tell you how I excited I am about part three. What's it gonna be this time? Trolls? Harpies? No, I know: it's gonna be Zombies. In the middle of their bullshit romance Bella and Edward find out about some government conspiracy involving some manufactured virus that makes vampires sparkle and gives werewolves abs, but then Timothy Olyphant drops by and shoots the leftover-from-part-one-(again!)-vampire-woman with his two silver pistols seven times in the head, thereby apologizing for Hitman and Die Hard IV, then he shoots Bruce Willis who just happens to walk in, and says: I should have done that when I had the chance, fuckhead, John McLane will never save the whole fucking world you character traitor, and while Bella stares confusedly at the wall Edward gets his dick out and starts shoving it up werewolf boy's ass, saying: I've always wanted to do that; and werewolf boy says: Can someone open some windows please, I like him sparkling. So this Spiderman-reboot-Garfield-guy opens the windows, and that's when the Zombies attack. Only survivor: Werewolf boy's baby, which is born immediately after the bloodbath. It names itself Chuckie and starts her own franchise.

Fuck me, where have all the good movies gone.